"Don't Know Nothing"

...Still don't know what it's all about.

"Somewhere Only We Know"

Well, I haven’t written on here in a while. I guess usually I use it as an outlet to let out my frustration and anger, but I really don’t want it to be about that. Sometimes while down here (Florida) and having so few people that you can truly count on, this just became a good outlet for letting me speak freely. However, this time is going to be a little bit of everything. I’m going to vent, voice some concerns, releases some frustrations/anger and talk all about God’s amazing grace in the same entry.

Let me fill you all in on where the “Life of Brian” currently rests. My internship, which I’ve both loved and hated throughout, comes to an end of January 7^th, and man is it coming quickly. It seriously feels like just yesterday when it was supposed to come to an end in May, and I signed on to stay ‘til January feeling like I had all the time in the world to get my life in order. Well since then, almost 5 months has gone by and I’m as lost and uncertain about the next stage as I was then. Fear is the word that comes to mind, however, I’d be much more fearful if I didn’t know I had anamazing God guiding and watching my back. I believe it is very possible to have an overwhelming sense of fear and relief all at the same time, because that’s what I’ve been feeling for so long. I’ve been thinking and praying (yet, not nearly enough on the praying part) about what I want and should be doing come January, and of course there is no clear cut answer set out before me. God has opened a few doors. Some of them are things I don’t necessarily want to be doing, but if it has become a path it was on purpose and maybe something will come out of it. There has been one door opened, which is something I would absolutely love doing, but I know it’s not something I can put all my hope into, I know I have to be practical here. Then I struggle daily with the decision to stay down here or come back home to Michigan. Key word being ‘home,’ which will always beMichigan. I desperately want to be around my family and some friends, but are there opportunities up there for me?

On top of the job, I was forced out of the townhome that my buddy and I were renting. It’s kind of a tricky situation. Some friends cut us a deal, then one of them got sick so they were gonna move back to Canada and needed to sell the home we were in for money to do so. So they did that and we received a call to be out in 30 days, and now they aren’t moving back to Canada. It’s cool whatever. We were very thankful for how long we got to live there, because it was a luxury we did nothing to deserve. However, in the 30 days I’ve had to move out, I had my sister and brother in law here for 5 days, then my best friend for the next 9. Then I went home for 4 days and am finishing off the 30 days by going on my first Disney Cruise for 3 days. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to look much and put much trust in my roommate to find us some nice accommodations. We put in an application to a place yesterday and should hopefully know by Monday. Praying that things go well there and I can at least get all my junk (which is a ton) thrown into the place before I leave for the cruise.

One of the bright spots in my life down here right now is that a brand new church just started in the Winter Garden area. The cool thing is that it’s a satellite location from a giant church up in Michigan. Kensington Church planted its first national campus here in Florida and started on September 26^th. The church is amazing and has a young crowd with a young pastor that has an outlook of getting people to church who “don’t like church.” It’s an incredible concept and has been a great example of showing love to everyone, which I think is the perfect kind of church for the melting pot area known as Orlando. It has really opened up my eyes and heart to help me react to how I’m living my life. It’s been pulling a piece of my heart to get involved in ministry, so we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep ya posted!

Then there is that haunting topic of the girl in my life. I have so many thoughts on what I want, what I’m looking for, what would be best for me, what I have to offer and what God wants of me. I’m going to touch on that in a later post. Nice little cliffhanger for you. Until then, try something new. Let someone discover the faith you have in them. See how that makes a shining difference in their life.

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laugher that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

"New York Girls"

It's been a long while since I've written in here. My life, mind, heart, attitudes and outlooks have changed greatly from the last time that I wrote. I guess lately, i just haven't had much to write about. Or i guess i've had enough going on where i don't need to talk to a blank slate and tell you my thoughts or problems. I'm sitting here right now and i feel much more like writing a literal entry than my usual metaphoric entries.

I'm in my room, at my beautiful 3 bedroom townhome, actually watching Titanic. Here's the kicker. I'm watching it muted, while listening to the instrumental soundtrack on my computer. What a great movie. Passion, heart, death, fear and love. Just some of the emotions displayed in pure image. The boat is almost all but sank. There are a few people still dumb enough to think that they have a chance to get off. Then it shows the captain. People are coming to him with questions and requests, he says nothing. He walks off into the room with the steering wheel and closes the door. He waits for the pressure of the water to come crashing through the windows and take his life. . . A Good Captain Always Goes Down With His Ship.

I've had a terrible week, which followed a great weekend. I returned from Michigan only to be really sick and miss 4 days of work. In those 4 days, i received two counts of terrible news. The first one is that the men renting our townhome to us, have an illness and have to move back to canada, and in doing that need more money, which means....yep, you guessed it, they have to sell the townhome. Brian's gotta find a new place to live come the end of October. Not a big deal, just something very nice and comfortable that I thought was set in stone, is clearly not. Now on to the biggest shocker. My x-girlfriend. The one I was madly in love with. The one i wanted to be with forever, finally gets a hold of me tonight, after days of trying throughout the past 2 weeks. We talk for about 40 minutes. It was good, we caught up, she moved to New York. She's doing well. I'm doing well. We reminisce about us a little bit, it was weird and not something i expected, but it was fine. Then she tells me the most shocking news i've ever heard. "I'm engaged!"

Wow............

This is a girl who broke up with me because one of the main things i wanted was to marry her and be with her the rest of my life. Other factors came along with the break up obviously. What a backstab. Always talked about how she was too young to be married, wanted to wait til she was 30. Wanted to see the world first. BULL! HYPOCRITE! People disappoint you ya know. Sin, it's amazing. Trust is key too, and gets rocked at times.

"people always leave"

"Don't Rush (Take Love Slowly)"

Well, it has definitely been a while since I've checked in. To my followers, if any at all, I want to apologize for being absent the past couple weeks. Between having my parents come down, then going back home for a week, and now working 6 days a week, I just haven't had enough time to clear my mind and write. With the time I've been given right now, I'd like to share with you my heart.

LIFE IS CRAZY. In this phrase, crazy is not a negative adjective. It's simply an adjective to state the overwhelming respect I have for my maker. I'll start by saying that it's crazy how my God can love me as much as he does. He continues to love me with each passing mistake, and lets face it...I'm human and definitely make my share with each passing day, as do we all. He continues to do everything he can to keep us on our toes and keep us guessing. The fact that he knows exactly where I'm headed, when all I do is fear that uncertainty every day, is enough to command my faith. I have not been nearly as good as I've wanted to be about reading scripture, and devotionals and simply talking with God. I know I need to get better, more obedient. I don't get why I can't be consistent with a few simple acts, when God comes in and blesses me in ways I never thought possible.

I have been praying for God to show me some direction in my life. Not nearly enough, but he knows it's what's been weighing on my mind. He knows the thoughts of a full time job and a wife, and a family and stability and simple direction have consumed my thinking since december. I know I can't rush into anything nor force it by my own hand, and I think for the first time ever, I can say that I haven't. It's normal for me to jump into things and the fact that I didn't the past couple months has created a whole new option for me, made possible through him. He knows exactly what I'm looking for and that's why I haven't been able to find it on my own. My standards are high and I believe that's a good thing. I know exactly what I want, what i'm looking for, what's going to fit me best, and who I'm going to fit best. That's why I knew it was time to stop jumping into things. I couldn't just date someone, though I know there are a couple of flaws with her that I'm hoping will go away, simply on the fact that I think I can change her or don't want to be single. It's reached that point of my life where it's way more than that.

I think he's given me that opportunity. I've met someone who did not enter my life through my terms. I didn't seek her out. I didn't find out everything there was to know about her before we met. I stayed patient and let God do his thing. I met this girl who may be perfect for me. She has truly got it all, and I'm really enjoying just getting to know her right now. Am truly slowing down things in my life and seeing where it is that God wants me to be. Florida? Michigan? Georgia? Just trying to stay calm and keep my head and mind clear enough to hear him speak to me. I need to continue to put my faith in the plan he has set aside for me and actually start following it. I just ask for the continuation of love and support from my friends and family, you know who you are! And with that, trust me when I say.....I'm doing everything I can right now to become the man you expect me to be! Live, Laugh, Love.

"Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will."

"The Mess I Made"

So there is something going on with me! I can't say that I've beaten this weird streak of empty feeling i've been having lately. Someone called me 'Negative, actually very Negative' for the first time ever in my life today. Really? Me? Negative? Truth is, Yea! Right now, unfortunately i am, and i really didn't realize it until the words actually came from her mouth. But truth is, that's not me. I wouldn't say I'm always the most positive person, but i am a realist and happy and positive for the most part, except lately....

Doesn't matter who you are or what you do, you've gotten under my skin. You know who you are. Everything you've done, everything you do and everything you are continually doing just seems to irritate me. And though there are traits that i don't necessarily agree with or even like, this is still my fault. I don't know why i'm having these feelings, because it didn't use to be like that with you all the time. things used to be great. However right now, i just can't stand anything. Some of it is just you being you, some of it is you picking fights with me, and some of it is you just deliberately trying to get under my skin so that i can mess up and you'll have all the ammo you need to hold over my head, like you continually do. It's just so frustrating because as high of standards as i hold you too, I hold myself to even higher ones. and when you fall short, which you always do....I fall much shorter of my own expectations i have for myself.

I know that you're going to think this post is about YOU. It's not just about you, it's about everyone... all of you... all of us! I look at my life and think to myself everyday that there is so much that needs to change in this world. Yea it's a crappy place filled with sin, malice and greed, but the only thing i can concentrate on changing is myself. That's the one thing in my life that truly needs to change and i actually have the power to make that happen. Yea, life is a struggle. I need to do something about it and not just spectate from the sidelines. It's time to let go of the anger and concentrate on the love and hope we could all have in one another. do something....

"A man is about as big as the things that make him angry"